I’ve been on a few odd days out in my life, I can tell you.  For a start, I’ve had multiple weddings (buy one, get two free) and I once went to a Harvester restaurant.  But although I count myself as a Menopausal Fairy of the World, I’m learning that you never lose the capacity to be surprised.

My friend Anastasia persuaded me to subscribe to something called Groupon.  Now I’m sure most of you are reading this and nodding your heads (not suggesting you have more than one head, was simply imagining more than one person nodding the one head they happen to possess collectively, thereby validating ‘heads’ instead of ‘head’.  NB Do hope that’s not discriminating against those of you who have no head to nod.  Should you be wishing to nod a head, had you had one.  Anne Boleyn might be reading this for example, and these days, what with the discrimination laws and everything, well, you just can’t be too sensitive, can you? Nod if you agree…oh hell, let’s just get on now, shall we?)

Groupon, for those not in the knod, er know, is a website you join for free, which offers vouchers for sometimes heavily discounted goods and services.  (Though I’ve not yet seen anything matching my bargain weddings deal).  You can narrow down your search to local businesses desperate for customers advertising their generosity, and the range of stuff on offer is breathtaking. (Sometimes literally.  See below.) I haven’t yet been tempted to sign up to anything, but were I not busy writing pieces on fish pedicures (who knew that fish had feet???  Or that they needed cosmetic attention???), I would be spoilt for choice with how to spend my days.

Forget my weddings (take a leaf out of my then-husbands book), you couldn’t imagine a more wacky time than some of the potential outings that arrive in my in-box on a daily basis…

…for example, how better to spend a wet Wednesday (that’s the British summer for you – along with wet Thursdays, wet Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays, Mondays and Tuesdays) than enjoying a Medical Assessment in the morning (77% off),  followed by a Handyman Service and Dentistry in the afternoon.  (Presumably the handyman supplies his own drill?).   Or what about 60% off Afternoon Tea for Two, alongside a Holiday Waxing Package (though how you drink tea successfully when you’re lying down screaming so far eludes me).

Here are some more hard-to-turn down temptations:-

* Japanese Teppanyaki for 2 (can’t imagine what that is) / Brazilian Blow Dry (am trying not to imagine what that is)

* Italian Fare with Glass of Wine for 2 / Gastric Band Hypnotherapy (guilt-free scoffing!)

* Three-course lunch for two / Vibration Training (erm…)

* IPL Hair Removal /Kayaking Experience (aaaarrrrggghhhh!!!!  In both cases)

* Manicure, Pedicure and Facial / Nordic Cooking Class (any chef will tell you that prep is important, just look at Marco Pierre White – if he doesn’t get his Brazilian Blow Dry and Vibration session before stepping into the kitchen, all hell’s let loose)

* Laser Hair Removal / Wine Tasting Masterclass (would prefer those in a different order)

Or, if wine isn’t your thing, how about:-

* Laser Hair Removal / Dance Classes (can see the one leading to the other)

To think that on a rare day off (you don’t have the luxury of weekends when you’re self-unemployed) I merely wander into town, buy a newspaper, and read it over a hot mocha. What a waste.

Anyway, if you’re out and about, you’ll easily spot me.  I’ll be the only person around completely un-waxed and un-Tappanyakied, vibrating not even a little, without even so much as a kayak sticking out from the top of my handbag.

No wonder I’ve got so many ex-husbands.


About notniceetoile

I'm a freelance comedy writer, now living in Brighton after a few years in London, having relocated back to the UK in 2011 after a couple of years of adventures on the Cote D'Azur. Check out my blog about life in Nice:- and my political satire blog:- Available for weddings (3 to date) and barmitzvahs (0 - I'm a girl, duh).

Posted on June 28, 2011, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Anastasia has given me the nod on this but is too busy to reply –she is currently undergoing IPL, Garra rufa Thai massage and a tea for two whilst folding her flatmates in half (look it up Notniceetoile) She assures me that the Brazilian is purely a conditioning service for a glossy mane. She has never been known to read a paper

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