It being the peak of the summer (I had the foresight to check on the calendar before making such an assertion – although, didn’t someone once compose a jolly dirge entitled “In the bleak midsummer”?  Wasn’t it Inspector Barnaby?  Whatever, I’ve heard plenty of people murder that in my time), it’s the season where there’s traditionally nothing on TV or in the papers.  (Just like the rest of the year).  Or in my life.  (Just like the rest of the…yep, you got it).

And so, in order to introduce a little excitement into my rather uneventful existence (the most notable thing that’s happened around these parts recently was Bradley Wiggins’ sideburns racing past my balcony during the Olympics – though they were going so fast, am unable to confirm that Bradley Wiggins was attached to them), I’ve done what I avowed never to do again.  Nope, not write something funny (although you never know, might feel like it in a decade or two’s time), pas contraire, the answer is (SIGH) sign up once more for online dating.

Look, I’m really being altruistic here…the Stuffed Dog’s sick of me hanging around every Saturday night, begging him to go out for a walk with me (if truth be told, he doesn’t like my lampposts, and I don’t like his), and there are only so many sticks to throw before I get tired of it (plus they really aren’t good for my teeth), so I took his advice and entered my details onto a couple of sites dedicated to matching leftover riff raff with sticky out ears up with those whose stuffed dogs are almost at the ends of their leash.

So, how’s it going?  About as well as it went last time.  Which is not well at all – although I happen to think that consistency is very underrated these days.

Highlights:  Live chat with gorgeous 28 year-old doctor (thought I did the jokes); and, let me see…er, that’s it.

Lowlights:   Man in Texas -short, squat, bald – who wrote me a message comprising the following:-

Hey the first thing I noticed was your mug shot! It almost looks like you’re on the 10 most wanted criminal list! Just suggesting you might want to help your cause out by posting a few pictures of you smiling and being happy :)) Right now you look way too negative!  Didn’t mean to hurt your feelings only trying to help you land the man of your dreams…

To which I replied:

I am on the 10 most wanted criminal list.  

(And given his physical manifestation and his natural humility, I’m guessing he personally would love to be on the 10 Most Wanted list).

And then there was someone in the UK who contacted me last night with the tempting missive:-

I’m getting to be a pretty good cook. Just done a marvellous Friday night thing with broccoli and cheese.

Knew it was dodgy putting in my description:  Female comedian wanting to meet man with penchant for broccoli and cheese.  

Only I hadn’t reckoned on anyone actually taking the word ‘comedian’ seriously.

Oh, and in checking my profile for this post, can see that I’ve just been viewed by my second bi-sexual trannie.  (The first of whom sent me a further email after I hadn’t responded to his (her?) first.  So I thanked him (her?) for his (her?) interest, and said sadly (not sadly?) I wasn’t interested).

Where’s my ball gone???  (No, that’s not what the trannie wrote…)


About notniceetoile

I'm a freelance comedy writer, now living in Brighton after a few years in London, having relocated back to the UK in 2011 after a couple of years of adventures on the Cote D'Azur. Check out my blog about life in Nice:- and my political satire blog:- Available for weddings (3 to date) and barmitzvahs (0 - I'm a girl, duh).

Posted on August 18, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. me in brighton :)

    Oh haha … online dating … signed up but not paid the dosh, so all I get are those fuzzy photos …unable to view messages unless I pay up .. hmm .. doesn’t seem like a good deal to me … try before I buy, I say! (or at least make sure they’re not, how did you put it? … ah yes, “leftover riff raff”) x

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