At time of writing (five past four), there are 1.4 million unemployed in the UK.  It will shortly be 1,400,001.

Let me explain.

I live in an apartment block called (let’s say) The Nunnery.  (Quite apt, since living alone in this part of SW London is akin to residing on top of a mountain, but without the nightlife). The block is ‘managed’ (hahahahaha) by a company called (let’s say) Twittakers.  Regular readers of this blog will remember the time Twittakers wrote to me in April to let me know they’d scheduled the following month’s flat inspection for February 31st, at 25.00 hours.  And the two occasions in a row they failed to turn up for appointments.  Or perhaps their trying to con me out of 50 quid for renewing (photocopying) my contract with my (private) landlords.  Never mind their six months overcharging of said landlords for managing (hahahahaha) their flat.

Well, great news: they’ve inspired another blog post!

Postman Pat delivered a letter from Twittakers the other day.  This is what it said:-


Dear All,

Re:   The Nunnery

As part of the regular security arrangements that we have at The Monastery [an apartment block along the road], we have made the necessary arrangements for the keypad, at the communal front entrance, pin code to be changed.  [Did Yoda retrain as an estate agent?]

The new pin code will be changed on Friday 23 August 2013 and this will be 9999.

We would be pleased if you will note your records accordingly [sigh] and use this new pin code with effect from that date.



I made myself a cup of coffee and sat down to compose a reply.  It went like this:-


Dear Chief Twitt,

In response to your letter to residents at The Nunnery about security arrangements at The Monastery.  (My italics).

Er, we don’t have a keypad at the front entrance. We do have one at the back entrance (my italics once again, got them in a job lot), which means one of three things:-

1.  I have been mistakenly using the front entrance as the back entrance, and the back entrance as the front entrance, for the entire time I have lived here;

2.  I have erroneously been under the impression that I’ve been living in The Nunnery, whereas in reality I have been residing The Monastery;

3.  There’s a possibility you have informed residents of The Nunnery of the new code for The Monastery, and/or residents of The Monastery of the new code for The Nunnery.

Perhaps you would be kind enough to clarify so I – as your missive implores me to do – “will note [my] records accordingly”.  (My italics, etc, etc)

Thanks for your reassurance on security matters,

Yours etc.,



A little time passed, and then an email popped up on my screen from the Chief Twitt himself:-

“With apologies for this!  Yers [sic] the letter in respect of the code change is for The Nunnery and relates to the rear door”.


Well, that’s good to know.  For a moment there I thought I was going to have bang my head against a brick wall in frustration.  (Does anyone know if the wall adjacent to the front door is now the back wall, with the wall adjacent to the back door being the front wall???  Anyone know a chartered surveyor/property consultant I can ask???)


About notniceetoile

I'm a freelance comedy writer, now living in Brighton after a few years in London, having relocated back to the UK in 2011 after a couple of years of adventures on the Cote D'Azur. Check out my blog about life in Nice:- http://drivingoverexpats.blogspot.com/ and my political satire blog:- http://amuzenewz.com/2013/01/28/passport-to-paradise/ Available for weddings (3 to date) and barmitzvahs (0 - I'm a girl, duh).

Posted on August 17, 2013, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Lawson Amadeus Skuse

    Enough!!!! Damn you, Messias, I have now got to get a change of panties again!
    Your comedic ramblings continually affect my bladder, which I suspect is connected to the laugh bone situated somewhere in the region of my solar plexus which in turn contracts said bladder and makes me pee!
    Could you please try being unfunny in your blog?

    Sincerely, damp of Newport!

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