BAD LAWYERS (ISN’T THAT TORTOLOGY?)

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in my life (let’s just pretend for the sake of the post, shall we?) it’s that you should never be afraid to ask for help.

HELP!  I NEED GEORGE CLOONEY’S NUMBER NOW! (Well, you never know, do you?)

Anyway, I was after a spot of legal advice the other day, so approached a solicitor friend. “Master of the Rolls”, I said (he’s known for spending his lunch hour queuing in Greggs the Bakers), “I have a problem with the firm of solicitors I engaged to represent me in my divorce. They never answer my emails, gave me financial advice based on the amount I could expect from my ex-husband’s pension – which was out to the tune of hundreds of thousands of pounds – and told me they’d sent the Consent Order to the Court in February, when actually they didn’t until May.  Now, in November, they’ve just contacted me to ask whether the Court ever approved said Order, and if so, whether I’d send them a copy of it, since they’re unable to look it up in their files because they submitted it without a reference number.

“The advice I need is how much should I charge them?”

(Not that it’s any of your business, but he advised the usual rate of £7,853.46 per hour, plus disbursements. Which I thought was fair for a novice).

And guess what?  Joy of joys, Postman Pat delivered to me this morning an envelope containing a letter from the aforementioned thieves solicitors informing me my file was now closed, and which ended “Once again, allow us to thank you for instructing SMUG BARR STUDS in this matter, and on behalf of all of us here, we remain at your service”.

They remain at my service.  Oh dear.  However, there was also some good news:  enclosed was a Client Satisfaction Questionnaire, which they would be “grateful” for me to “kindly” complete and return to them!  Don’t mention it, SBS, I happen to be feeling exceedingly kind.  🙂

Somewhat inexplicably, the eight questions are only rateable on a scale of 1 – 10.  But never mind, I have a whole stash of minus signs left over from scoring previous relationships.

The questions were all along the lines of:-

How efficient was the service?

How would you rate our attention to detail?  [To which I replied “Hahahahaha”]

Would you use us again, and recommend us to others?  My answer?

No!  Thoroughly unprofessional, shockingly uninformed financial advice, unhelpful, unconcerned, lazy, dismissive and smug.

If there were one extra thing (Extra?!  God help us all) we could have done for you, however small, what would it be?  All suggestions are welcome.  

[OK, I’m not a girl who needs to be asked twice:-]

An apology would be nice for a start.

Despite several complaints about your service, not ONCE have I received any kind of apology. The extra stress this caused me, at an extremely difficult time in my life, was enormous, damaging, and totally unnecessary.

I’ve had occasion to deal with many firms of terrible solicitors in my life, and I can assure you that yours is down there with the worst.

*

Have I been too subtle, do you reckon?  And how long exactly do you think I’ll have to wait until they reveal to me the extent of their gratitude?