SHOPPERS PARADISE LOST

Press ‘start’ to start.

Are you using your own bags?

Press ‘Yes’ if using your own bags, ‘No’ if not using your own bags.

You are?  Place bag in bagging area.

No, not there, there. Idiot.

Please scan your first item.

Place in bag in bagging area.

Unauthorized item in bagging area.  

Please remove unauthorized item from bagging area.  

Please seek assistance.

Please scan item.

Place in bag in bagging area.

Unauthorized item in bagging area.

Please remove unauthorized item from bagging area.  

Please seek assistance.

Hmm.  Bottle of cheap plonk.  Are you over 18?   Sure?  

Please seek assistance.

Place bottle of cheap plonk in bag in bagging area.

Parmesan grissini?  Organic quails eggs?  Black Olive Tapenade?  I had that Antony Worrall Thompson bypass my bagging area once.

Finished?  Press ‘Finished’.  Go on then, press it.  

Would you like any of our offers?  3 for 2, 2 for 3, tea for two, cha cha cha (freeze-dried version available in Ailse 27).  No?

Do you have any vouchers?  If so, press ‘Yes, I have vouchers’.  If not, press ‘No, I do not have vouchers’.

Would you like some vouchers?  If so, press ‘Yes, I would like some vouchers’.  If not, press ‘No, I would not like any vouchers’.

Would you like to subscribe to our special delivery service?  If so, press ‘Yes, I would like to subscribe to your special delivery service’.  If not, press ‘No, I would not like to subscribe to your special delivery service’.

Would you like to pay now?  If so, press ‘Yes I would like to pay now’.  If not, press ‘No, I would not like to pay now’.

Nice day, isn’t it?  Have you come far?  Are you going on holiday this year?

How would you like to pay?  Press CASH for cash, CARD for card.  

Please insert notes into note slot, coins into coin tray.  No, that’s the ‘coins out’ tray, you need the ‘coins in’ tray.  It’s located under the ‘coins out’ tray, to the left of the note slot if your back is facing the dog food ailse, to the right of the note slot if your shopping trolley is facing the Pot Noodle display. (February to June, excepting alternate Mondays, and 2.00pm – 5.15pm on Job Seekers Training Days).

I’m sorry, your £20 note has been rejected.  Please try again.  Please seek assistance.  Please can I have a decaff macchiato with one of those little almond biscuits on the side?  You’ll find them in the Posh Biscuit Ailse next to the Detox Toxic Ox Biscuits (with essence of Roodbol radish washed in Tibetan springwater). 

Thank you for using the self-service checkout tills.  As you can see, they’re easy and quick to use.  And also a lot of fun.

Please take your items…please take your items…please take your items…

UNAUTHORIZED BANANA IN SENSITIVE MACHINE AREA!  UNAUTHORIZED BANANA IN SENSITIVE MACHINE AREA!  AAARRGGHHH!  PLEASE SEEK ME ASSISTANCE!   AAARRGGHHH!  PLEASE SEEK ME ASSISTANCE!

*$&!#*(@~(*&~#^}%$£*!

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About notniceetoile

I'm a freelance comedy writer, now living in Brighton after a few years in London, having relocated back to the UK in 2011 after a couple of years of adventures on the Cote D'Azur. Check out my blog about life in Nice:- http://drivingoverexpats.blogspot.com/ and my political satire blog:- http://amuzenewz.com/2013/01/28/passport-to-paradise/ Available for weddings (3 to date) and barmitzvahs (0 - I'm a girl, duh).

Posted on February 19, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I’ll have to try the Detox Toxic Ox Biscuits. I’ll get my friend Claire St. Clair Sinclair to pick some up for me. The self check-outs should also be multi-lingual so that you choose in what language you want to be shouted at.

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